when you are put in a situation where you are made into a dog, do you grow into that for the rest of your life? does it become a form of protection on the outside, or does it grow inside of you and become inseparable to urself? when you are forced to submit to others, to be at their will and perception, to be constantly perceived as a beast by others because of something you cannot control, to carry the burden of being yourself and to carry the shame of being at the will of god, do you become malleable? yes, yes i do. i reply, timidly. i have been malleable for as long as i have known this pain. it has become one with myself.

ill still whimper n beg for forgiveness when im yelled at, i still pity myself and cry like a baby, but theres comfort in that sexually, im afraid. or rather, not really afraid. its embarrassing to type but im not afraid of it at all really. sex is abjection, pain is abjection, there's an intersection there between pleasure and pain, but its not ever really described in a social context. sex is taboo, something to be ashamed of. when you go thru ur life terrified of any criticism or disappointment, or name-calling or embarrasment, in sexual fantasies there tends to be this urge to completely let go, to find the good in that scenario n turn all of that pain and fear into happiness and catharsis. the art that brings me the most comfort in this weird hormonal projection (nicknamed this degradation projection, the close sister of desire projection) is pink narcissus, robokeh's manga works and the velvet rope by janet jackson. the only way that these feelings can manifest is if i'm experiencing these things w someone who cares for me, someone who i love, thats why this is mentally very close to the desire spectre. it is closely associated in my mind with romance, but it is obviously not synonymous. my desire to have someone to join together with and share thoughts and become intertwined in unison obviously reaches this in some ways; to be completely bare and raw for someone is to reveal these secrets and desires, and to act on them in a loving way, so thats why i dont think this is unhealthy at all, after complete anaylsis. its why ive always been open to hearing about what others go through and their sexual affinities because those usually tie in quite closely. the most traumatized girl i ever knew was physically abused and institutionialized constantly by her insane and nymphomaniac mother, and she wrote smut and had a bdsm rp discord account. thats why i dont shame people for what theyre into unless theyre harming innocent people (in that case they should die a horrific death alone)